U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
