Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
