News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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