I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
