Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
