I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
