I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
