I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
