i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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