We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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