Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Randomize
