plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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