it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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