I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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