I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
