Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
