Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
