Apparently you make a good broom.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
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Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
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THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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