Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
