I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
