Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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