last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Couch. On fire.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
