i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
