Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
