If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
MIDGETS
????
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
