The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Randomize
