My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
