Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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