I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Randomize
