I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
