even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
