new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
