I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
