I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
