My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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