I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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