Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
