some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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