apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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