I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
