Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
