You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
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