Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Randomize
