So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
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i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
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Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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