Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Randomize
