She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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