A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
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Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
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Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
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