he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
