There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
