So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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