In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Betty ford says i'm here all night
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
