In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
