So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
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As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
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Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign