He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
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He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
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There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.