apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION