Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
