Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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