Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
