Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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